Or, they may gain greater insights about addiction and commit to being a more supportive person in your recovery. When you make amends, the way you look and feel about situations changes. You can gain clarity about what happened and what should have happened. If you’re on the fence about Step 9, remember that making amends can help you and the other person. There are three main types of amends, and it’s important to recognize which one is appropriate in a given situation.

• An example would be telling someone how sorry you are that you stole from them and actually giving back what you took.
• When they had the nerve to do things their own way, I reminded them that I had first suggested a better plan.
• You can start making amends by showing up, even if it’s years later, to do the things you said you’d do.
• Each day I ask my Higher Power for the strength to help me stay sober and live responsibly and with honesty.

I had all the answers, and I shared them with everyone. When they didn’t follow my advice, I let them know – repeatedly. When they had the nerve to do things their own way, I reminded them that I had first suggested a better plan. Prove to those who love you that you are a person of your word, and they can rely on you when things get tough.

What Should Be the Goal with Making Amends?

These promises are often the most difficult to keep because addiction plays a decisive role in a person’s ability to live up to their promises. Their parent may feel more pain for their addicted child’s inability to get sober than the material items lost due to the thefts. Generally speaking, people work through the Steps of Alcohol Anonymous with an addiction treatment counselor and/or sponsor.

• Other individuals who have completed Step 9, such as your sponsor, may be able to help you choose a meaningful way to make indirect amends.
• Undoubtedly, you, too, have a list of ways in which you want to live out your living amends, and that’s great!
• Don’t expect immediate forgiveness, and also, don’t pressure yourself to fix every broken relationship immediately.
• Unfortunately, this scenario plays out much too often in the lives of people who didn’t get a chance to correct their mistakes and past behaviors in time.

Now, whether it is an apology, a want for forgiveness, or an amends, that person isn’t here and it makes it hard to imagine any of those things are possible. We believe that the only path to forgiveness is asking it of the person we love, the person we believe we hurt, and making amends living amends for what we did wrong. That might not be so tricky if the person were still alive. You’re left with a mountain of guilt and no one to apologize to, no one from whom you can ask forgiveness or make amends. After years of being bossy and overbearing, my basic apologies meant little.

If You’re Struggling to Make Amends

Yet, to be truly successful at forgiving and releasing past wrongs, you need to go directly to the individual you’ve hurt. When you go directly to the person, real spiritual transformation is more likely to occur. Before approaching Step 9, you need to complete the inventory in Step 8. This is a list of all of the people in your life whom you believe you have harmed.

If they take my words for granted, sometimes, I take a break from talking. I don’t punish them with silence (although I did do that in the past). Ninety percent of the time, I keep my mouth shut, but I am my son’s mother. I have a responsibility to parent him and speak out for his best interests. Likewise, my marriage is a partnership with my husband. Early in my recovery, I learned neither my son nor my husband was listening to anything I said.

Start apologizing

He’s a teenager, so I try to let him function at that age level. When he runs out of clean clothes, I don’t lecture or offer solutions. I let him decide if he wants to do laundry at midnight or wear dirty clothes. I no longer interrogate him about his day at school, so I can give my wise advice on how to handle difficult peers. If he doesn’t want to do his homework, I say nothing. I’m not his teacher, and I’m sure she’s skilled at handling that type of problem.